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THE CRYSTAL GAZER 

A COMEDY IN TWO ACTS 
By JAMES C. SAVERY 


THE HASTY PUDDING CLUB 
HARVARD UNIVERSITY 


NINETEEN HUNDRED AND ELEVEN 




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COttfRIGHT DEFGRUfc 


































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THE 

CRYSTAL GAZER 

A COMEDY IN TWO ACTS 

By JAMES C. SAYERY J 


Musical Score by 

BOWEN BARKER and REGINALD C. FOSTER 
Lyrics by 

JAMES C. SAVERY 



Presented by 

THE HASTY PUDDING CLUB 

of HARVARD UNIVERSITY 
1911 

HASTY PUDDING CLUB THEATRE 
Cambridge, Mass. 

On the Evenings of 
MARCH 27th, 28th, and 29th 

JORDAN HALL, BOSTON, MARCH 31 and APRIL 1 
HOTEL ASTOR, NEW YORK, APRIL 21 and 22 


THE HASTY PUDDING CLUB, 1911 













V 


P53S37 
. f\c\2zCj 



Copyright, 1911 
By James C. Savery 


The Musical Score of “The Crystal Gazer ” may be 
obtained from Oliver Ditson Company, 150 Tremont 
Street, Boston, Massachusetts 


Performance under direction 
of Eugene B. Sanger of New York 


THE UNIVERSITY PRESS, CAMRRIDGE, U. S. A. 








TO 


THE MEMBERS 

OF 

THE PUDDING CHRISTMAS SHOW 

OF 

NINETEEN HUNDRED AND TEN 


SYNOPSIS 


Act I. 

Mrs. Higgins’ Country Place, “ Sea-Bird-Manor-on-the-Hudson. 
evening in early August 

Act II. 

A plaza at Posillipo, near Naples. Time. — Six weeks later. 


Time. 


Sunset 






ORIGINAL CAST OF CHARACTERS IN 

THE CRYSTAL GAZER 

AS PRESENTED BY THE HASTY PUDDING CLUB 

Book and Lyrics by Music by 

James C. Savery B. Barker and R. C. Foster 


CHARACTERS 

Mr. Henry Higgins, a wealthy merchant from Oshkosh, 

Wisconsin. 

Mrs. Higgins, a wife with social aspirations. 

Dorothy, their daughter. 

Jack Manners, from over the way. 

Miss Grayce Taylor, a manicure. 

Miss Mayme O’Brian, a hairdresser. 

Percival Bishop, floor walker from Macy’s ) 

“ Ozab,” the Crystal Gazer. f 

Duke Pierre de Verche, looking for an heiress . . . 

Brooks, a butler. 

Susette, a maid. 

Rosita, a flower girl. 

Purcell Abigail Smith 
Susan Maria Thompson 
Clara Louise Simpson 
Hilda Imogene Pratt 
Horatio Armstrong, business representative of the 

“ D. of P.”. 

Antonio, a boatman. 

Safrano, of the Royal Guards. 

Canto 


“ The Daughters 
of Power ” 


Banto 


Gendarmes 


W. S. Seamans, Jr. 
E. A. Bemis 

E. P. Pierce, Jr. 
W. Hodges 

F. W. Gilbert 
R. C. Benchley 

J. C. Savery 

L. H. P. Chapin 
L. McK. Miller 

R. Clifford 
A. M. Osgood 
L. Crocker 
A. Gregg 

W. Taussig 

K. Roosevelt 

H. Edmands 

S. B. Steel 
C. E. Dunlap 
N. Bolton 

J. Bolton 


CHORUS 


Debutantes. — F. Ayer, J. D. Hayward, H. Welzel, R. Williams, R. Wiggles- 
worth, H. C. Clark, C. Baird 

Guests. — H. C. Dewey, J. Elliot, F. C. Leslie, S. Mixter, C. S. Cutting, 

R. Knowles 

Butlers. — C. E. Cotting, J. Clement, F. King, J. Simpkins, R. Fisher, 

S. Bennett, H. Holt, C. Hann 

Society Women. — P. D. Smith, W. Frazer-Campbell, J. Hoar, A. Stevens, 

T. A. E. Harris, C. Hubbard, J. E. Boit, O. Russell 

Society Men. — J. Elliot, R. Jowett, A. B, Richardson, R. Lowell, W. D. 
Sohier, S. B. Steel, T. Frothingham, Jr., A. Osgood 

PERFORMERS AT THE F&TE 


Signor Atlas Muldoni, Strength Exhibition 

“ Beppo,” a helper. 

Dick Allen, in the “ Larriet Dance ” .... 

E. Scotuso. 

Mme. Calvizzini. 

Mlle. Mavlowa ) rp^ e “ Dance of Bacchus” \ 
M. Pordkin . . ) * 


C. E. Dunlap 
H. M. VOORHEES 
A. Dana 
S. B. Steel 
A. M. Osgood 
F. W. Gilbert 
R. C. Foster 


Townspeople, peasants, street venders, and others 
























































































































































































































































































































































































































































































THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


ACT I 

Scene. The lawn of a fashionable country place. At the 
right is an arbor overrun with roses; at the left and diag¬ 
onally across the stage , the front of a large and imposing 
house built after the style of an Italian villa. Bright awnings 
are at the second-story windows. About four feet from the 
ground is a wide balcony enclosed by a low railing , this 
balcony extending the entire length of the house and reached 
by steps at either end. Opening upon this balcony is a large 
double door and high French windows. At the back of the 
stage is a low hedge and a very ornate bronze gateway , 
through which may be seen the terraces and walks leading 
to the river and the wooded headlands of the Hudson beyond. 
Everything about the house and grounds shows a lavish dis¬ 
play of wealth and painful over-ornamentation. 

As the curtain rises guests are discovered at small tables 
on the balcony , while certain members of the younger fash¬ 
ionable set are on the lawn. In the background are butlers 
mounted on stepladders. The Opening Chorus is between 
the young debutantes and society men , who for want of 
better diversion are helping the butlers hang garlands of 
Japanese lanterns for a large fete which occurs later in the 
act. 

Time. An evening in early August. 

Opening Chorus 
“ The Social Game ” 

Exit guests, servants, and others 
[Enter Mrs. Higgins: a large woman wearing an elaborate 
evening gown , bedecked with many jewels. She is plainly 
nouveau-riche. Her hair is dyed a metallic shade of bronze , 
and she walks with a slight limp , due to slippers which are 
too small .] 


2 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


Mrs. Higgins 

No, Henry, I won’t listen to it for a moment! The very 
idea of such a thing is preposterous! 

Higgins 

[A meek little old man who appears very uncomfortable in a 

black morning coat and white trousers .] 

But my dear, I — 

Mrs. Higgins ( irritably) 

Don’t speak to me! You know the doctor told you never 
to excite me when I was upset. The idea of your wanting to 
go back to Oshkosh! Have you no sense, Henry Higgins? 

Higgins ( lamely ) 

I used to think so. 

Mrs. Higgins 

What would } r ou have done without me when we came into 
our money? Haven’t I brought the family East and opened 
up this villa? And now, just as we are getting Society to 
notice us a little, you want to go back to Oshkosh! 

Higgins (striving to make himself heard ) 

But I should think — 

Mrs. Higgins 

Silence! Do you want to talk all the time? And what is to 
become of Dorothy, the dear little girl? I suppose you would 
have her go back home and spend her evenings playing “ Home, 
Sweet Home ” on the melodeon, or receiving the attentions of 
that little clerk at the ribbon-counter in the “ Oshkosh 
Exchange.” 

Higgins 

She might — 

Mrs. Higgins 

Henry, not a word! You must remember that her great- 
great-grandfather was an original Whipper-Whipperwill, and 
died in the crush coming over on the “ Mayflower.” No 
Whipper-Whipperwill shall ever marry a sales-clerk! 

Enter Susette, a French maid 

Susette 

Ze guests wishes to know if you will join zem at ze bridge- 
table, milady? 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


3 


Mrs. Higgins 

Susette! How often do I have to tell you not to call me a 
lady? Say Madame! Notify the ladies, especially Miss Lan¬ 
caster and Miss Van Rensaler, that I am talking sub-rosa with 
my husband in the garden, but will be with them presently. 

Susette 

Oui, madame! 

Exit Susette 

Higgins 

For my part, I’m getting a little tired of this game. Look 
at the crowd you ’ve got around here now — this darned 
“ house party,” or whatever you call it. And this old fete 
you ’re giving to-night! What is it all for? It’s nothing but 
you trying to break into Society! That’s what’s for. By 
whillicans! I’d like to be back home! 

Mrs. Higgins 

But Dorothy is to marry a Duke. 

Higgins 

Has he any money? 

Mrs. Higgins ( indignantly ) 

Money! Money! What’s that got to do with it compared 
to his title? ( With a supreme air.) It’s been the dream of my 
girlhood to be dressed in one of them red plush Umpire gowns 
and to sweep down the staircase of some old baronial hall! 

Higgins (looking dubiously at Mrs. H.) 

Sweep down the staircase ? I ’ll be hanged if any wife of 
mine will do janitor service! 

Mrs. Higgins (happily) 

And you, Henry, shall come down every night to dinner 
dressed in pink tights and a velvet coat, just like Henry of 
Navarre! 

Higgins (startled) 

W — what! Say, if you think 1 ’m going to dress up like 
some museum freak and come down to dinner in my underwear, 
you ’re mistaken. I ’ll die first! As for Dorothy being a 
Dukess or whatever you call it, I would n’t be too sure of that: 
— ’pears to me, she favors that fellow Jack Manners ’cross 
the way more ’n she does the Duke. 


4 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


Mrs. Higgins 

Humph! She ’ll marry the Duke de Yerche if 1 have to be 
worn down to a reducto-absurdum! 

Higgins 

Sh! Here comes Dorothy now. 

[Enter Dorothy: a pretty girl of about eighteen. She wears 

a white summer frock and carries a garden-hat filled with 

flower s.~\ 

Dorothy 

Hello, Mama. Hello, Dad. 

Mrs. Higgins {aside) 

The dear child — how chick she looks in that fifty-dollar 
lingerie frock. {To Dorothy.) My dearie! 

Dorothy 

I have n’t had a moment with either of you all day, — not 
since those horrid people arrived from town. {Petulantly.) I 
wish they’d go. 

Mrs. Higgins 

That’s being the grateful daughter! 
count I’m trying to get into Society ? 
be a Du—chess ! 

Dorothy 

Bother the Duke! {Stamping foot.) 

Mrs. Higgins 

Without manners, do you think that you can ever be a 
Society bud! Humph! You ’ll be frost-bitten before you ever 
leaf out! {To Higgins who wears an inane smile.) Henry! 
Why are you standing there like that? Don’t you know it’s 
time to dress for the fete this evening? 

Higgins 

Dress ? I ’ll be darned if I favor bein’ served on the half shell 
ev’ry night! 

Mrs. Higgins {with a commanding gesture) 

Go! 

{He meekly obeys. She follows him up balcony steps , waits 
until he enters the house , and then turns to Dorothy.) 

Did Brooks serve them damee-tasses in the conservatory, 
as I told him? 


Is n’t it on your ac- 
Remember you ’re to 


I hate him! 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


5 


Dorothy 

I think so. 

Mrs. Higgins 

Great idea of mine, fixing up that old hen-house for a con¬ 
servatory. It may still smell a little birdy , but people will 
only think it’s some new plant. Ha — ha — ha! 

Exit Mrs. Higgins 

Dorothy 

Susette! Susette! 

Enter Susette 

Susette 

Did Mademoiselle call? 

Dorothy 

Yes. Did you give Mr. Manners my note, asking him to 
come over this evening? 

Susette 

Oui, Mademoiselle. He wished me to tell you he be here 
before ze fete zis evening. 

Dorothy 

Thank you, Susette. 

Susette 

Ah, ’t is ze matter of ze heart, la grande passion! I, too, 
Mademoiselle, have loved and understand. There is some one 
coming up ze path. {Goes to back of stage.) Ah, ’t is lie , 
Mademoiselle! 

[Enter Jack Manners: a handsome young fellow of about 

twenty-two. He wears white tennis trousers , blue serge coat , 

and straw hat.~\ 

Jack 

Well, my little girl, I’ve found you alone for once. I ’ll be 
glad when your mother really likes me and I can come over to 
this house without skulking through the brush like a thief. 

Dorothy 

If mother saw you here now, I don’t know what she would do! 

Jack 

And it’s all because I don’t happen to have a title. {Hap¬ 
pily.) But we’ll fool them yet, won’t we? {Turning to Su¬ 
sette.) My! My! how forgetful we are. To think I had 


6 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


forgotten all about Susette, — the little girl I ’m to thank for 
bringing your note. But to forget is the way of the world. 

Trio 

“ The Way of the World ” Jack , Dorothy , and Susette 

Dorothy 

You may go, Susette. I shall wear my pink gown this 
evening. 

Susette 

Oui, Mademoiselle. 

Exit Susette 

Jack 

Now for a little talk all by ourselves. ( Both going to gar¬ 
den settle.) And how are all the folks in there? — still as 
gabby as ever, eh? 

Dorothy 

Oh, yes. And, Jack, we ’ve been having the most awful 
goings-on. Papa thinks mama should go to Oshkosh. 

Jack 

Well, — er — doesn’t he ever suggest a warmer climate? 

Dorothy ( trying to appear shocked) 

O, Jack, — how could you ? And they still insist on my 
marrying that stupid old Duke. 

Jack ( consolingly ) 

Never mind. We ’ll fix some little scheme that will fool 
them all. By the way, I heard that your mother was going to 
have a freak called “ Ozab ” out here to-night. Who is he? 

Dorothy 

Oh, some man who dresses up as an East Indian and does 
crystal gazing. Mama met him at a reception. You see, he 
thinks he’s some kind of a reincarnation of a prophet, and 
gives advice so much per head to Society women. ,No real 
Society event is supposed to be complete without Ozab, the 
Crystal Gazer. 

Jack 

And your mother believes everything he says? 

Dorothy 

Absolutely. At least, she appears to. Ozab is the fad of the 
hour, and mama’s bound to be in style. 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


7 


Jack 

Now see here — I have a plan. Of course, as it is, your 
mother is very much opposed to our marriage. What if Ozab 
could be made to advise your mother by all his mystic high 
signs and crystal gazing that I and not the Duke was the one 
who was entitled to you? 

Dorothy ( excitedly ) 

But he never would! He might — 

Jack 

Now, you never mind, little girl. I ’ll fix that up all right. 
I ’ll get some one to masquerade in his place to-night! 

-Dorothy ( joyfully) 

How perfectly splendid! ( Doubtfully .) But I’m sure 
something will go wrong. And what would become of the real 
Ozab ? 

Jack ( reassuringly ) 

Now you leave that all to me. In the mean time, I want you 
to know that I think you ’re the prettiest and sweetest little 
girl in the whole world. 

Dorothy {shyly) 

But how many other girls have you said that to before? 

Jack 

To you, — only to you. Of course, a fellow is bound to fall 
in love a great many times, but when he meets the real thing, 
— well, it’s the case of the last little girl being the best little 
girl in the whole world. 

Duet 

“ The Best Little Girl ” Jack , Dorothy , and Chorus 

Dorothy ( from her position by the gate) 

That’s a strange-looking trio. 

Jack {shading eyes from the light) 

Who in the Dickens are they? 

Dorothy 

Oh, I know. One of the women is a hairdresser and the other, 
a manicure. And if there is n’t that impossible floor-walker, 
Percival Bishop from Macy’s. If you had ever had your nails 
done by Miss Taylor, you would have heard all about Percy. 


8 


THE CRYSTAL GxYZER 


[Enter Mayme O’Brian, Grayce Taylor, and Percivae 
Bishop. The girls are dressed cheaply , hut their wearing 
apparel shows an attempt at stylishness. Percival Bishop’s 
clothes are cut in the extreme of fashion and are those of a 
“ cheap sport .”] 

Percivae (twirling cane) 

I beg pardon, ladies and gents, but could you tell us if we 
were in right? 

Dorothy 

In right? 

Percivae 

Yes, — in the right place. You see, my friends here, Miss 
Obreon and Miss Taylor, are paying a professional visit. 

Dorothy 

Oh, I understand. (To Jack.) They have come to fix 
mama for the party. I ’ll go and call her. 

Exit Dorothy 
Jack (to Percival) 

I beg your pardon if I seem to be intruding, but since we 
are alone we might introduce ourselves. My name is Manners. 
And yours, sir? 

Percivae 

Bishop, is my name. My card (offers card). Permanent ad¬ 
dress in lower left-hand corner, — three aisles to the left of the 
ladies’ glove counter, by the gents’ furnishings — main entrance. 

Jack 

I am delighted to make your acquaintance, Mr. Bishop. 

Percival 

Same here. 

Mayme (to Grayce in a whisper) 

If he comes ’round to us, Grayce, adopt a haughty reserve. 
Villains always wear white pants and have those winning ways. 
I may be only a hairdresser, but Heaven deliver me from ever 
being compromised! 

Percivae (to Jack) 

Yes, I believe myself that I look pretty kippy in these 
clothes. You see, the firm provides me with all my wearing 
apparel — sort of an advertisement, you know. 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


9 


Jack 

Oh, I understand. 

Percival ( calling attention to his own clothes) 

Take this coat, for instance, — a very classy garment. 
Notice the ingrowing seam? A genuine piece of near-wool. 
The dromedary shoulder is a new' feature this season also. 
(Confidentially .) Of course, I don’t usually make a practice 
of telling what I pay for my clofhes, but since it’s you, I don’t 
mind letting you in on the ground floor, so to speak. Sh! 
coat, vest, trousers, $16.00. Not bad, eh? 

Grayce ( calling ) 

Mr. Bishop! Oh! Mr. Bishop! 

Percival 

Yes, Miss Taylor, in a minute. (To Jack.) Rather a 
snappy “panting,” that! ( Points to his own trousers.) 
$4.86! 

Jack ( amused ) 

That was a bargain. It’s neat but not gaudy. 

Percival 

Quite so. I always believe in the quiet effects, — nothing 
theatrical, you know. ( With a lofty air.) Speaking of the 
theatre, I was on the stage once, myself. 

Jack 

How interesting. 

Percival ( proudly ) 

Yes, I was the leading “ heavy ” with the Kalamazoo Troupe. 
Never hear of that troupe? 

Jack 

I can’t say that I have. 

Percival ( somewhat abashed) 

That’s funny. We trouped through this country playin’ 
“ Wedded but No Wife,” for two seasons! Ah, say, that was 
a great show. The scenic effects was somethin’ grand. Why, 
we’d been playin’ yet if the engenoo had n’t got the whoopin’- 
cough and the leading lady choked to death. 

Jack (horrified) 


Choked to death! 


10 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


PERCIVAL 

Surest thing you know. During that big banquet scene in 
the third act, she swallowed a piece of pasteboard turkey by 
mistake! 

Jack 

How terrible! 

PERCIVAL 

Yes, it was, it was indeed. That’s why I took up the floor¬ 
walking business, — to rest my nerves. 

Grayce (to Per civ al) 

Mr. Bishop! Oh, Mr. Bishop! I beg your pardon, but 
could I trouble you for that box of “ Rosaline ” I gave you to 
carry for me. ( Bishop hands box over.) Oh, thank you! 
This “ Rosaline 99 gives such a blush to the nails! 

Mayme (arranging combs , hair-ornaments , etc., on table) 

Oh, Mr. Bishop! Please don’t forget that bottle of Wal- 
nutta Hair Stain I asked you to put in your pocket for me. 
(Percival gives her the bottle of stain.) Thank you! 

Per civ al 

Glad to have been of service. 

Jack (to Percival) 

Could I speak to you a moment, please? 

Percival 

Certainly. 

Jack (confidentially) 

I heard you say a few moments ago you had been on the 
stage. (Percival nods.) Well, I ’ll give you a job where you 
can make one hundred dollars easy money. 

Percival 

Say! Ring up the sale! I’m growing anxious. 

Jack 

Well, the point is this. There is a certain freak expected 
here to-night, who calls himself “ Ozab.” — Does crystal 
gazing, fortune telling, and the like. 

Percival (growing interested) 

Sure, I know who you mean. 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


11 


Jack 

Well, do you think you could imitate him? 

Percival 

Could I imitate him? Why, surest thing you know! 

Jack 

Fine! The point is this. Mrs. Higgins believes everything 
he says. What I want you to do is to tell her that I, and not 
the Duke, will make the right husband for Dorothy. See? 

Percival 

Sure! What you want me to do is to masquerade as this 
Ozab and to tell Mrs. Higgins that you, and not the Duke, will 
make the proper husband for Dorothy? 

Jack 

Great! Will you do it? 

Percival 

Just watch me. But now about that hundred, — 

Jack 

We ’ll attend to that all right. I ’ll leave it to you to get 
the costume. There’s not much time to lose, either. Remem¬ 
ber, 1 and not the Duke! 

Exit Jack 

Percival 

(He waits until Jack is out of sight and then rushes to tablet 

where Grayce and Mayme have been arranging brushes , etc.) 

Girls, do you want to hear a piece of luck which has befallen 
your little playmate? 

Mayme and Grayce 

Why, of course we do, Percy. 

Percival ( eagerly ) 

Then listen! You saw that guy I was passing a few words 
with a few minutes ago? 

Girls 

Yes, go on! 

Percival 

Well, he has just agreed to pay me one hundred dollars for 
masquerading as Ozab, and to slip a little cheerful chatter to 
Mrs. Higgins, regarding the marriage of her daughter. 


12 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


Grayce ( haughtily) 

Well, for my part, I would n’t be the dupe of any one in a 
matrimonial entanglement. I believe too much in the institu¬ 
tion of marriage! 

Percivae 

Dupe! Do you know what you are talking about? 

Grayce ( icily ) 

I believe I know the sound of my own voice, Mr. Bishop 1 

Percivae 

I might as well tell you ladies first as last that I am the real 
Ozab! 

Gires ( excitedly ) 

You the real Ozab! 

Grayce 

Oh, Percy, I always knew there was something mysterious 
about you. 

Percivae 

Mystery nothing! It was a case of money with me. I found 
I could n’t live on any fifteen dollars per in the floor-walking 
business. As mine was a morning’s job, I hit on the scheme of 
being an Orientalist afternoons and giving talks on art, and 
doing crystal gazing. Every one thinks I’m the real thing. 

Mayme 

Oh, Grayce, I’m so excited, I’ve swallowed my gum! 

Percivae 

I’ve got over being excited. Why, would you believe it, 
before I hit on this Ozab business, the nearest to a full meal I 
ever got was eating a “ ham-and ” at Childs’ Restaurant. I 
knew every waitress by her first name. 

Grayce 

The shame of it! 

Percivae ( sarcastically ) 

Oh, those were happy days! The only amusement I ever got 
was listening to the phonographs in the hardware department. 
But that’s all over now. ( Heroically .) Mr. Percival Bishop, 
otherwise known as Ozab, the King of Psychics, will this evening 
address Mrs. Higgins in a private seance , for which he will 
receive two hundred dollars from that estimable lady, as well 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 13 

as an extra hundred from the worthy Mr. Manners. It ’s too 
easy, — too easy! 

Mayme 

Ain’t it just grand, Grayce? 

Percivae 

Sh! here comes Mrs. Higgins now. This is where I clear 
out. Remember, not a word about my being Ozab at the fete 
to-night. 

Exit Perceval 

Mrs. Higgins 

Ah, my dears, I’m sorry to keep you waiting. I would have 
been here earlier but I had to stop and fasten Henry’s collar. 
He ’s so awkward getting into evening clothes. 

Mayme (flourishing comb) 

I had a cousin just the same way. He often said to me, when 
he got dolled up in one of those low-cut white vests, he always 
had the feeling he had forgotten something. 

Mrs. Higgins 

I suppose there is something in what you say. But it’s all 
in having a figure you can drape well. I don’t usually cast 
espargements on how I look, but I heard that a friend of mine 
said that I looked just like I had been poured into my gowns. 
Was n’t it sweet of him? 

Grayce (taking scissors and orange-stick from reticule-case) 

That was nice. But some men have a knack at saying just 
the right thing. 

Mrs. Higgins ( proudly) 

This gown I’ve got on, my dressmaker said was a Worth 
gown, 

Mayme 

A Worth gown? 

Mrs. Higgins 

Yes. I suppose it’s because there’s twenty dollars’ worth 
of black jet beads sewn on the bodice! Personally, I — 
{Enter Brooks, a butler. He wears an ill-fitting costume of red 

satin , trimmed with lace , and walks with an ungainly stride, j 

Brooks 

Does Madame wish anything? 


14 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


Mrs. Higgins ( startled ) 

My, how you scared me! ( Regaining composure .) Yes, 
there is something. Did you put the rose leaves in the finger 
bowls as I told you? 

Brooks 

Yes, Madame. ( Turns to go.) 

Mrs. Higgins 

Gar 9 on! Come here a moment, — you need a little training. 
{To girls.) Please excuse me for a moment while I train my 
servant. After all, he’s really a diamond in the rough! 

Giri.s 

Go right ahead; don’t mind us. 

Mrs. Higgins {to Brooks) 

After this, I want you to address my husband as Lord, 
understand, Lord Higgins. Now, I should like to have you 
go over there on the porchico and say, “ Dinner is served, my 
Lord ” — just like that— {with a majestic sweep of her arm.) 
Dinner is served, my Lord! 

Brooks {striking heroic attitude) 

Dinner is served, my God! 

Mrs. Higgins {pounding the table with her fan) 

You’re a fool! Leave this instant! 

Brooks 

Yes, my Goddess! 

Brooks stumbles out 
Mrs. Higgins 

Goddess! That’s what comes of trying to train spurious 
servants! {Wearily.) Ah, Miss Taylor, we leaders of Society 
have trials of our own! I believe I ’ll have you do me out here. 
I always liked this garden. Are you about ready to begin, 
Miss O’Brian? 

Mayme 

Obreon, please! 

Mrs. Higgins 

I crave your pardon, “ Miss Obreon.” I want to say now 
that I don’t think you were very successful the last time you 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


15 


did up my hair. I don’t very much favor that “ Helen of 
Troy ” style of coffur! 

Mayme 

But, my dear, your face demands something classic! 

Mrs. Higgins 

How you flatter! Now, Miss O’Brian, er — Obreon , you 
may begin. You know you ’ll have to hurry because it is al¬ 
most time for the fete. We are to have the Cream de Cream 
of vaudeville circles here, and Ozab is coming also. 

Mayme 

Really ? How will you have your hair done this evening, — 
on the bias or something a little on the careless mode? 

Mrs. Higgins 

Oh, go as far as you like, but don’t make it too set! 

Grayce ( busily working on Mrs. Higgins 9 nails ) 

You know, Mr. Bishop came up with us this evening. 

Mrs. Higgins 

Mr. Bishop? 

Grayce 

Yes, — me an’ him are keeping company. 

Mrs. Higgins 

Yes. You know, I think I saw that man from my “ hood- 
war ” window. Is he a college man ? 

Grayce ( beaming ) 

No, but does n’t he look like one? Of course, he is n’t a real 
college man, but he’s thinking of entering the Correspondence 
School in January. Will you have the cuticle cut or just 
turned under? 

Mrs. Higgins 

Well, any way they’re wearing it! 

Mayme ( putting finishing touches to Mrs. H.’s hair) 

There, that looks particularly becoming. ( Takes brush and 
hair stain.) I better touch it up a bit at the temples. This 
Titian Red dye you’ve been using, Mrs. Higgins, is very apt 
to rust up a bit before the week is out! 

Mrs. Higgins 

Yes, I’ve noticed that. 


16 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


Mayme 

I don’t favor the brand much myself. That new brand 
they ’re putting out, called “ Cleopatra’s Delight,” makes a nice 
dressing. ( Placing a large spangled butterfly in Mrs. H.’s 
hair.) There! That gives just the bit of color your face 
demands. 

Mrs. Higgins (turning to Grayce) 

How do I strike you , Miss Taylor? 

Grayce (to Mayme) 

Could n’t you tilt that insect a little more inquiringly over 
the left ear? It will give it an air of naturalness. 

Mrs. Higgins 

I must have things just right for I’m of a very nervous, 
temperamental disposition! 

Song 

“ Temperament ” Mrs. Higgins, Grayce, and Mayme 

Enter Brooks with card tray 

Brooks 

The Duke Pierre de Yerche! 

Mrs. Higgins 

Tell him, Mrs. Higgins will see him in the garden. (To 
Mayme and Grayce.) Now, dears, there is no sense in your 
running away. Just stay here and pretend you ’re my guests. 

Exit Brooks 
Enter Duke de Verche 

Ah, Duke! So glad you’ve come. Let me introduce you to 
my friends. Miss Taylor, Duke de Verche. 

Grayce 

Glad to know you, Duke de Vichy! 

Duke 

It is a pleasure. 

Mrs. Higgins 

And Miss Obreon. Miss Obreon has just returned from Paris. 
In fact, she is becoming quite a “ Parisite.” — Ha — ha — ha! 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


17 


Duke 

How very extraordinaire. You know I am very fond of 
Paris myself, especially in ze winter. But travelling is such a 
bore, — so hard on ze eyesight. I am sure the people would 
get ze same effect if zay staid at home and read ze time-table 
and ze Baedecker. 

Mayme 

What parts of Europe do you prefer? 

Duke 

Italy! I love Lake Geneva and as for Lake Lehman, — well, 
nothing could be more superb! 

Grayce 

But I thought Lake Lehman and Lake Geneva were 
synonymous! 

Duke 

I beg pardon? 

Grayce 

I said, I thought Lake Geneva and Lake Lehman were 
synonymous! 

Duke 

Quite so, quite so. But in my estimation, Lake Geneva is 
much more synonymous of the two! (To Mrs. Higgins.) But 
how is the dear child, Dorothy? 

Mrs. Higgins 

Very well, your royal highness. I ’ll call her. Dorothy! 
Dorothy! 

Duke 

I beg pardon, but how much did you say ze dowry 
would be? 

Mrs. Higgins 

Five hundred thousand dollars. But why, Duke, should we 
talk about such paltry things? 

Duke 

It is trivial, I admit. 

Enter Dorothy 
Dorothy 


Did you call, Mama? 


18 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


Mrs. Higgins 
The Duke is here, my dear. 

Dorothy (to Duke) 

How do you do? ( They stand talking for some minutes , and 
then Exit , right.) 

Enter Brooks 

Brooks 

There is a strange looking gentleman asking for you, 
Madame. He won’t give any card, and I told him he could n’t 
get in without a ticket. Them were yer orders. 

Mrs. Higgins 

Preposterous! Did he give any name? 

Brooks 

Said just to tell you 44 Ozab,” and you would understand. 

Mrs. Higgins ( horrified) 

Ozab! Do you mean to say that he has been kept waiting 
in the vestibule? To keep him waiting is ten times more ex¬ 
pensive than a taxicab! Show him to the garden immediately, 
you stupid fellow! ( Exit Brooks.) {To girls.) Please go 
in the house, but do not leave the grounds. I am already be¬ 
ginning to feel quite unnerved. I always do just before one 
of these seances. I suppose it’s my excitable temperament. 

Grayce {in a whisper to Mayme) 

This is making rather a busy evening for Percy. Ozab 
sounds awfully Oriental, doesn’t it? Wonder if he got the 
name from a cigarette? 

Mayme {disgustedly) 

Sounds more like a tooth-wash to me! 

Exit Mayme and Grayce 

[Enter Ozab. He is dressed in a very elaborate East Indian cos¬ 
tume and wears a turban with a glittering aigrette. His arms , 
bare to the elbow , have gold serpents twined about them.~\ 

Ozab 

Ah! my most gracious lady, I am here at your bidding! 

Mrs. Higgins 

My ever obedient counselor. {Sadly.) I was so afraid you 
were not coming. I’m in such distress, ah, in such distress! 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


19 


OZAB 

Stomach ? 

Mrs. Higgins 

No, it is a mental trouble. But you shall help me, — you who 
are so wonderful and to whom I have always looked for advice. 

Ozab 

Let not thy tongue to flattery surrender. 

Mrs. Higgins 

Oh, but when I hear you talk, I am uplifted! Your sublime 
thoughts give me wings so that I want to fly! fly !! fly!!! I — 
{Matter of fact tone.) Where should I fly to? 

Ozab 

You dont mean fly, you mean flee! 

Mrs. Higgins 

Flea or fly, it makes no difference to me. Both of those 
insects have wings, and that is what I long for. To open my 
window and fly like a sky-lark to the heavens! The Sky-lark. 
Was it Sheets or Kelly who wrote that poem? 

Ozab 

Shelley, Madame, Shelley. 

Mrs. Higgins 

How stupid of me! {Meditatively.) Shelley, Shelley. ( Sud¬ 
denly.) Sounds like the sea-shore, doesn’t it? 

Ozab 

I had n’t noticed the fact. 

Mrs. Higgins 

Oh, hadn’t you? Why, do you know, that is the way I re¬ 
member lots of things. Sea-shore reminds one of shells, a shelly 
sea-shore, and there you are! 

Ozab 

Where? 

Mrs. Higgins 

Why, Shelley, of course! 

Ozab {disgusted) 

Madame, my time is precious. I am not here to talk poetry. 
I heard you were in need of my psychic advice, and I came for 
that reason. 


20 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


Mrs. Higgins 

Oh, forgive me! But you are so wonderful! So spiritual! 
You draw me out, — you — 

Ozab ( impatiently ) 

Yes, I know, — we have drawn this conversation out too 
long as it is. Pray, let us come to the point. 

Mrs. Higgins ( using smelling-salts) 

Ah, yes, the point! But I am quite overcome, — you have 
such a marvelous effect upon me. ( Corking bottle .) There, 
I feel better. 

Ozab 

I am waiting. 

Mrs. Higgins 

I am unhappy, but no one knows it. I bury my thoughts 
in my heart, and only dig them up when I see you! 

Ozab ( stiffly) 

I did not know before that I prompted a post-mortem of 
your emotional experiences. But to return to the subject. 

Mrs. Higgins 

You have such a wonderful way of putting things! How I 
wish I had a spiritual helpmate for a husband, but Henry is 
so plaguematic! He does n’t understand my sensitive nature. 
Why, I am as a tender flower, being blown hither and thither 
and thither and whither and — 

Ozab 

The purpose of this visit, Madame! 

Mrs. Higgins (tearfully) 

I ’ll tell you. When we came into our money, I thought the 
time had come when I could be a great lady and to wear fine 
clothes like the rest of society women. We came East, opened 
up this villa, and now I find I’m doing nothing but running a 
laughing museum, with myself as the principal attraction! 
(Sobs.) 

Ozab 

Impossible! 

Mrs. PIiggins 

Oh, no, it’s not. I know what they say about me, — they 
say I’m not educated, but when I was a girl, I studied just as 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


21 


much algebra as they ever did! ( Spitefully .) Take that 
Millicent Van Rensaler, the cat! she comes to my house, lives 
on a steady diet of 44 Peaches a la Melba,” gads about play¬ 
ing tennis and golf, rides in my motors ’til the tires are in 
shreds, and then has the nerve to make remarks about my 
figure! 

OzAB 

But why have her? 

Mrs. Higgins 

Have her? I have her because every one can't have her! 
To 44 Town Topics,” Millicent Van Rensaler is a gilt edge 
security. 

Ozab 

While you are only a social liability? Oh, I see. 

Mrs. Higgins (nods her head) 

But I won’t give up even if this dream of mine is becoming 
a nightmare. (Angrily.) I hate every one and everybody! 
Oh, I’m so unhappy. (Sobbing.) Oh, I’m so unhappy, so 
unhappy! 

Ozab 

Be calm, my dear woman, I can help you. 

Mrs. Higgins 

Oh, I knew you could do something, I knew you could! 


Ozab 

Listen! 

Mrs. Higgins 

Yes, yes! 

Ozab 

Sh! Sh! I have heard the silent call. It has a message 
for you. 

Mrs. Higgins 

The silent call? A message? Give it to me! 


Ozab 

Sh! (Steals about the garden.) Are we alone? 

Mrs. Higgins (pleading whisper) 
Give me the message. 


22 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


OzAB 

But first I must have the crystal, — that marvelous globe 
which in its iridescent beauty is like an eye, gazing into the 
future, and in which I am able to read your destiny. 

Mrs. Higgins ( awe-stricken) 

Wonderful! Wonderful! 

Ozab (with a hypnotic flourish) 

Wait here for me. I shall get it. ( Pauses in door and 
speaks in a mysterious and commanding voice.) Wait! Do 
not move! Do not breathe! Wait and I shall return with the 
crystal. 

Exit Ozab 

(During this time, the garden has grown gradually darker 
and is now dimly lighted by pale moonlight. Mrs. H. stands 
transfixed for a moment, but finally regains her normal 
equilibrium, and comes down stage. Her hands are clasped, 
and she wears cm expression of supreme rapture.) 

Mrs. Higgins (meditatively) 

A message. A mission in life. And the silent call. Oh, it’s 
all too wonderful! (Reflectively.) A message? A mission? 
Mission! Surely he could n’t have meant Salvation Army 
work. (Sadly.) No, I can hardly see myself standing on a 
street comer, to “ Keep the Pot Boiling.” Ah, but he will 
tell me in the crystal. (A bird sings in the shrubbery.) Birds! 
Oh, I feel so happy, so poetic! I would like to pretend that I 
was some kind of a Narcissus, jumping about in the leafy 
bowers; — I would like to be flitting about with a free heart 
like in the days of old, and to have a pastoral sweetheart. If 
Henry only would be Abelard, then I’d be Heloise! 

Song 

“ If Henry would be Abelard ” Mrs. Higgins 

(At end of the dance which concludes the song she sinks into a 
chair exhausted.) 

Mrs. Higgins 

Ozab should have returned by now! I must know the great 
truth, — the answer to the silent call! 

(A light is seen approaching in the arbor, right.) 

He comes! I must be true to my promise. (She assumes 
the attitude in which Ozab left her.) 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


23 

Enter Ozab bearing a tray on which is a large crystal and a 
bowl of smoking incense 

Ozab 

Prepare thy mind to be receptive to the great Truth! 

Mrs. Higgins ( distantly) 

My mind is already a receptacle. 

Ozab 

Make your mind a blank, — it will not be difficult. Gaze 
into the crystal and remember that what I say^ comes not from 
me but from the great hidden Voice. ( Pretends to go into a 
trance .) Ah, my dear friend, the crystal is about to yield 
strange truths. Wait! What do I see? You have been lurk¬ 
ing in the shadow. Instead of in these surroundings, I see you 
in the world of power. You were never meant to lead the life 
of common folk! This hair that holds in its embrace the sun¬ 
set hues was but made to test the genius of great artists; this 
lily hand was only meant to grasp the hands of princes; these 
lips to phrase sweet speeches to fall on kingly ears! Ah, but 
I see something finer in this world for you. I see you pushing 
aside the proffered crown of Society; I see you coming down 
the temple steps and mingling with the people at its base, and 
ever before your eyes is the blazing torch of Truth! You 
seize it! You are leading the people and they are cheering! 
Ah, the picture fades. 

Mrs. Higgins {suppressed voice) 

Go on! Go on! Wonderful! 

Ozab 

Wait, wait. Another picture comes. I see you on a large 
boat surrounded by all your friends. Your daughter is with 
the Duke. Sh! the Hidden Voice tells me that it has a mes¬ 
sage for you. Listen, it is speaking now. You would hear, 
but your ears are not attuned. Listen to what it says! 
{Mechanically.) “ You must go to Naples immediately, and 
there preach a message of hope to the down-trodden Neapoli¬ 
tans. They need you. They are calling. You must not go 
alone; you must take every one that is within your gates at 
the present time. Adieu.” {Pretending to come out of trance.) 
Ah, my dear friend, you have heard the message. Heed it. It 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


24 

means that you have a mission in life, — a great soul-stirring 
mission. You must not turn aside. 

Mrs. Higgins 

How different the world seems. I feel like a Queen! 
(She rises and walks slowly up veranda steps.) 

OzAB 

A beautiful butterfly burst from the chrysalis of ignorance. 
Go, my friend, and preach the great truth! 

Mrs. Higgins (from balcony) 

The knowledge of my true self has at last dawned upon me. 
I have broken, as you say, like a butterfly from a chrysalis, and 
now as a new being am about to flutter into the Sunlight! 

(As she turns to go into the house , the light from the open door 
falls upon her face revealing an expression of great personal 
satisfaction.) 

Exit Mrs. Higgins 
O zAB 

Into the Sunlight! ( Waits until Mrs. Higgins is out of hear¬ 
ing.) Too bad, but one has to make a living somehow! Well, 
Percy, old boy, if you play the game right, this is where you 
get a free trip to Naples. Wonder what Mr. Jack Manners 
will say to my advising that the Duke is the man for Dorothy? 
Well, I must please the client who pays me the most. Some 
one of these days, I ’ll forget just who I am, Ozab or Percy, 
like that Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde I used to read about when I 
was a kid. It’s fashionable to have a double personality these 
days. 

Song 

“ Bogey-Mogey Town ” Percival and Chorus 

Exit Perceval 
Enter Stjsette and Brooks 
Brooks 

Madame wishes the garden made ready for the fete. Them 
performers have arrived from New York. 

SlTSETTE 

We must not forget the lights. (Lights garlands of lanterns 
which are hung in the trees.) 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


25 


Brooks 

Hurry! I hear them coming. Move that table out of the 
way. Also that fish bowl! ( Points to the crystal.) 

(Enter guests from various parts of the garden. They are all 
chattering, and confusion reigns in attempts to secure good 
positions for witnessing the coming performance. Mrs. 
Higgins mingles among her guests with a newly acquired 
air of superiority.) 

Dorothy (to Jack) 

Did you get some one to masquerade as Ozab? 

Jack 

Everything is fixed up clean as a whistle. I hired that 
Percival Bishop to do the work for us. He is to be here 
to-night. 

Mrs. Higgins (above roar of conversation) 

Oh, Mrs. Topney Jones, won’t you sit here with Mrs. Lan¬ 
caster? Both of you ladies have had daughters run off with 
coachmen, so you will have something in common to talk 
about! 

Guest No. 1 

My dear, is that your own hair? 

Guest No. 2 

It ought to be. I paid fifty dollars for it! 

Higgins (from balcony) 

The artists are ready, my dear. 

Mrs. Higgins 
Then please announce them, Henry. 

Higgins 

Signor Muldoni, assisted by Beppo, in an exhibition of mar¬ 
velous strength! 

Enter Muldoni and Beppo, who give a performance 

(During this number and those which follow , the guests chatter 
among themselves.) 

Exit Muldoni and Beppo 


26 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


Higgins 

Dick Allen in “ The Larriet Dance.” 

[This specialty consists of a difficult rope swinging dancei\ 
Exit Dick Allen 
Higgins 

Madame Calvizzini of the Metropolitan Opera Co.! 

[Enter Madame Calvizzini, amid many exclamations of delight 
from the crowd. She is very handsomely gowned and wears 
a large hat with plumes. ] 

Mrs. Higgins 

Oh, if there is n’t Madame Calvizzini! Do come right in, 
Madame Calvizzini. I hope with all this damp weather your 
voice has n’t gone back on you. I know I was trying over some 
songs last night that I used to sing as a girl, and I found my 
voice was — 

Calvizzini ( impatiently ) 

Pardon me, but I must return very soon. What would you 
like me to sing? Perhaps the “ Je ris de me voir si belle ” from 
Faust. 

Mrs. Higgins 

Paust! Oh, to be sure. Let me see, you sing the part of 
Maggie in that opera, don’t you? 

Calvizzini 

Marguerite, Madam! 

Mrs. Higgins 

Marguerite, of course, — how stupid of me. You know, I 
think Opera is just lovely. The trouble is they sing so loud you 
can’t hear the music. 

Calvizzini 

I have only a few moments. 

Guest No. 3 

Won’t you please either sing the “ Solerme in Quest"ora ” 
from “ Forza Del Destina,” or some songs of Brahms? 

Calvizzini 

Brahms? I should be delighted to, if it pleases my hostess. 
(To Mrs. Higgins.) Do you like Brahms? 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


n 


Mrs. Higgins (who has just caught the last phrase ) 

What? Do I like Brahms? I don’t think I ever ate any! 

Jack 

If you will permit me, I would be very glad to sing the bari¬ 
tone in the “ Forza Del Destina.” 

Calvizzini 

With greatest pleasure. 

Aria 

Duet: Solenne in Quest’ora 

Madame Calvizzini and Jack Manners 

Higgins 

Mile. Mavlowa and M. Pordkin in the Dance of Bacchus! 
[An imitation of the dance of Pavlowa and Mordkin.~\ 

Dance. Exit 

Ozab 

Ladies and Gentlemen, let me take this opportunity of an¬ 
nouncing the engagement of Miss Dorothy Higgins to the 
Duke Pierre de Verche. (Murmurs of surprise among guests. 
Jack and Dorothy appear very much disturbed, and she re¬ 
luctantly takes the arm of the Duke.) 

Jack {dazed) 

There is some mistake! {Aside to Ozab.) So you went back 
on me, eh ? I might have known I could n’t trust you, but I ’ll 
get even with you yet! 

Ozab {haughtily) 

You are laboring under some mistake. My name is not Per- 
cival but Ozab. 

Jack {angrily) 

Oh, I admit you’ve got me where I can’t say anything now, 
but I will have something to say to you before I get through 
with this game! 

Ozab {sardonically) 

So. We shall see. 

Mrs. Higgins 

And now, my friends, I have another surprise for you. The 
Duke and my daughter shall go abroad on their pre-nuptial 
honeymoon on our private yacht, and you all are invited to 


28 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


come also. We leave to-morrow for a voyage to Naples, 
where I go on secret mission. Will you all go with me? (Cries 
of “ Yes l ” “ Yes, we mil,” etc., from the crowd.) 

Mrs. Higgins 

Then it’s settled! On to Naples!! 

Final Chorus 

“ Travel ” Ensemble 

Curtain 


ACT II 

Scene. A plaza at Posillipo near Naples. At the right and 
diagonally across the stage is the projection of an old per¬ 
gola whose cracked and weather-stained columns are partially 
covered with tangled grape vines. At the back is a stone wall 
about four feet high, having a gateway a little to the right of 
the center. Steps are supposed to lead from this opening to a 
boat landing at the base of the cliffs. Back stage, left, is an 
old wall seat behind which are poplar trees and a low scrubby 
cypress. Up stage, right, is a stone bench. The view in the 
background shores the Bay of Naples and Mt. Vesuvius in 
the distance. 

As the curt am rises peasants are discovered returning 
from work. They stop for a little while to witness a dance 
by some street performers , at the close of which, Antonio, 
a young boatman, enters and sings a song in which the crowd 
joins. During the song vesper bells are heard in the dis¬ 
tance. The crowd now gradually disperses, leavmg Antonio 
and Rosita, a flower girl, alone upon the stage . 

Time. Sunset . Six weeks later. 

Opening Chorus 
“ Italy Our Fatherland ” 

Antonio 

They have gone, Rosita! And now, won’t you tell me that I 
have a chance, — just one little chance, and that you forgive 
me? 

Rosita 

It is no matter! I do not care! There are many more than 
Antonio in Naples who will love me and — whose hearts will 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


29 


not be like the little boats there on the Bay, rocking in the 
tide and shifting with every breeze that blows. I want a man 
who will be true, — true to Rosita, and not to the pretty 
Americano! 

Antonio ( pleadingly) 

Rosita, I can ex — 

Rosita 

You need not tell me. I saw you with her this morning in 
your boat. ( Sorrowfully.) And she was pretty,—'very, 
very pretty. Is Rosita foolish? Perhaps. But she is jeal¬ 
ous also. 

Antonio 

But, Rosita, she only hired me to row her across the Bay. 
See, she gave me these centimes! 


Rosita 

She paid you? And you didn’t ask her? 


No, Rosita. 


Antonio 


Rosita 

Then I suppose I must forgive you. 
cano girl’s name? 


But what is the Ameri- 


Antonto (smiles meditatively) 
Dorothy. Miss Dorothy Higgins. 


Rosita 

{Aside.) I am not so sure he doesn’t love her. {Aloud.) 
And what are you smiling about? 

Antonio 

I was only thinking of her mother, Signora Higgins. Ah, 
she is very funny. She come with a big crowd to the Hotel de 
Italia. Signora she talk, talk, talk about ze rooms, — they 
did not suit her. Manager Bassano he talk, talk, talk. Pretty 
soon they all get angry. Miss Dorothy she cry, but Signora 
she only talk more. Pretty soon Manager Bassano his face 
get blue he so angry and then — 

Rosita {impatiently) 

Yes, — go on. 


30 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


Antonio 

Manager send for the police and (throws up hands ) Woof! 
They are all put on ze street. 

Rosita 

And would not Manager Bassano let them back? 

Antonio 

No, he bolt ze door. And so they must walk all ’round until 
zay find another hotel. But I would much rather talk about 
you. If you only knew how much I loved you. 

Rosita 

Then you do love me? (Antonio nods.) I am very happy,— 
very happy! 

Antonio 

Won’t you give me one little rose? (Points to Rosita*s 
flower basket.) Gratzia! I wear it because it makes me think 
of you. And now, Rosita, I must go back to my boat to earn 
some money. (About to descend steps.) Look, Rosita, the 
Americanos are coming! Mrs. Higgins! Zay are the ones I 
told you about. 

Rosita 

Where ? 

Antonio 

Down there by the cliffs. They are trying to get over the 
rocks! 

Rosita 

But that is not the road. They should have taken the other 
one. Ah, but the Americanos have no sense! 

Antonio 

Quick, come here! They are still looking for a hotel. Run 
to the Albergo della Maria and tell them to prepare some rooms; 
that Antonio bring some guests! It means money for us, 
Rosita! 

Rcsita 

What price will I tell Signora Ricardo to ask? 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


31 


Antonio 

Just say Americano and they will understand! 

Exit Rosita 

(As Antonio is looking over the cliffs at the approaching party , 
Percival enters hastily, and seizes Antonio hy the arm.) 

Percival 

Come here, my man. Can you keep your mouth closed if you 
are well paid for it? 

Antonio 

Yes, Signor. 

Percival ( rapidly ) 

Then listen! You see those people coming down there? 
(Antonio nods.) What I want you to do is to keep your eye 
on that large lady in front and to give her this letter in half 
an hour. Understand? A half hour and not before! Tell 
her the letter came on this morning’s steamer, and don’t men¬ 
tion my having given it to you. See? Can I trust you? 

Antonio 

Yes, Signor. 

Percival 

Then take this. (Gives him coins.) And remember there 
are more of them in the future if you play this game right. 
Here is my card. Just give them that at the Hotel de Italia 
and they will tell you where to find me. Sh! They will be 
here in a minute. Remember, not a word about my being 
here, or you don’t get any more money! 

Exit Percival 

[Enter Mrs. Higgins, Higgins, Dorothy, Brooks, Susette. 
Servants carrying various articles of baggage, including suit¬ 
cases, hat-boxes, etc. All the party look very weary arnd de¬ 
jected, — especially Mrs. Higgins, whose hat has fallen rak¬ 
ishly over one ear. She wears a Harem skirt. Higgins looks 
particularly uncomfortable in a large grey tourist hat, to 
which a veil has been attached .] 

Mrs. Higgins (wearily) 

Don’t talk to me any more about where you think a hotel is, 
— I want to know! I am sick and tired of crawling about over 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


32 

these cliffs like a lizard. I never would have come this way if 
it had n’t been for you. 

Higgins 

I didn’t — 

Mrs. Higgins 

Don’t argue the question with me, Henry Higgins! Put that 
hat on straight! You look like you belonged in a jungle. 

Higgins 

This confounded policeman’s bonnet was your idea, not 
mine! {Examining veil.) You may think all this seaweed 
decoration looks well, but I don’t. 

Brooks 

May I assist you? 

Higgins 

Leave me alone! I can fix my own veil! {Aside.) It’s a 
pity I could n’t have lost that man when we passed the customs. 

Mrs. Higgins 

Brooks! Plow many times have I got to tell you to carry 
that suit-case the other side out so the labels show. How do 
you expect people to know we’ve traveled? {Sinking onto a 
stone settle.) Oh, I wish I knew of some other hotel but that 
miserable Hotel de Italia. 


Higgins 

We would have been there now if it had n’t been for you and 
your everlasting talking. 

Mrs. Higgins 

Henry Higgins, I was only insisting upon my rights as an 
American woman! Before I would go back to that miserable 
hotel, I would sleep in the streets. 

Dorothy {feebly) 

But I’m so hungry, Mama! 

Mrs. Higgins 

Hungry! {To Higgins.) I wish I had trained that girl to 
think of something more than food. {Catching sight of An¬ 
tonio who has stood leaning against the wall.) There is a 
man who looks as if he might know something about this coun- 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


33 


try. (To Antonio.) Say! Whatever you are in the green 
pants, will you please come here? 

Antonio (advances with cap in hand) 

Yes, Senora. 

Mrs. Higgins 

What do you do, my good man? 

Antonio 

I am a boatman, Senora, and sometimes I sing for the living. 

Mrs. Higgins 

Then sing for the dying. I am about as near dead as I ever 
want to be. (Pause.) Susette, before he begins, you might 
try and look a little more as if you had n’t been fished up from 
the Bay! 

Song 

“ Italian Folk Song ” Antonio 

Mrs. Higgins 

Here, my good man. (Hands him coins.) 

Antonio 

Gratzia, Senora! 

Mrs. Higgins (fanning herself) 

That was truly a tonic for my nerves. I was all run down. 

Higgins 

I’m glad you ’re run down for once. You are usually so 
wound up you never know when to stop! 

Mrs. Higgins 

Henry! Just because we ’re in a foreign country is no 
reason you should forget that I am an American wife! (To 
Antonio.) Just a moment. Do you know if there is a hotel 
around here? 

Antonio 

Yes, Senora, — the Albergo della Maria. If Senora will 
step this way she can see it. 

Mrs. Higgins (using field glasses) 

Yes. It looks pretty well from the outside, but that is n’t 
any clue as to the inside. As Byron says, “ A well-painted 
stable means a poorly kept table! ” 


34 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


Dorothy 

I am sure that hotel would be better than nothing. 

Mrs. Higgins 

Well, the best we can do is to try it. Susette, you and 
Brooks take up the baggage and see what the place is like. I 
am not going to move a step from here until I know definitely 
where I ’m going! 

(Brooks and Susette begin arranging baggage and appear very 

much occupied with one another.) 

Mrs. Higgins (To Higgins) 

Those two are in love! I can see it. The only hope to keep 
servants nowadays is to have them all different races and colors. 
The trouble is one’s pink teas are apt to look more like a 
Congress of Nations! 

Exit Brooks, Susette, and Antonio 
Mrs. Higgins 

WTile we are waiting, Henry, you might get out that guide 
book and find out where we stand geographically. Look for a 
map of Naples, and see if there are any hotels marked. Are 
you looking under the N.’s? 

Higgins (fumbling) 

Here it is. 

Mrs. Higgins (looking through lorgnette) 

That red spot is either a lighthouse or a hotel. (Suddenly.) 
Henry Higgins, this is not a map of Naples; it is a map of 
Nantucket! (All groan.) With such a husband who can 
blame me for believing in woman suffrage? (Stentorian tone.) 
There is a great work ahead — 

Dorothy (wearily) 

Oh, don’t begin on Suffrage, Mama. 

Mrs. Higgins (stiffly) 

And why not? Am I not here in Naples to preach a message 
of hope to the downtrodden Neapolitans. Ozab was right when 
he said I was born to be a leader. (Meditatively.) Think of 
it! Even now perhaps he is in America, gazing into that won¬ 
derful crystal and mapping out my destiny. (To Higgins.) 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


35 


Speaking of maps, if you have found any stimulating informa¬ 
tion in that book on Naples, you may read. 

Higgins {reads) 

66 The population of this charming city is — ” 

Mrs. Higgins 

Stop! I don’t want population, I want hotels! 

Higgins ( turns page) 

“ There are many attractive jaunts in and about this beau¬ 
tiful city — ” 

Mrs. Higgins ( disgusted ) 

Jaunts! I’ve done enough jaunting over these wind-swept 
cliffs for one day. If I had the writing of guide books I 9 d tell 
people where they could eat and sleep. People can’t feed upon 
statistics and feel they have had a square meal! ( To Higgins.) 
Look at Dorothy, the dear child. Gazing at the Bay and 
drinking it all in! 

Dorothy 

Oh, Mama, there is the Duke just getting out of a row boat. 
I wish he’d fall overboard or get lost or something. 

Mrs. Higgins 

That’s a nice way to talk on your pre-nuptial honeymoon. I 
suppose you are still harping on that fellow, Jack Manners! 
{Fixes bonnet.) This is certainly a humiliating situation for 
the Duke to find us in. Thank heavens, he does n’t know about 
the Hotel de Ville affair this morning. Henry, can’t you look a 
little more as if you were n’t posing for a picture of “ Custer’s 
Last Stand? ” Fix that hat! 

Enter Duke 
Duke 

Ah, my dear friends! I look for you everywhere. Why are 
you here? 

Mrs. Higgins 

My gracious Duke, we’re getting the air! {To Higgins in 
a whisper.) Say something! 

Higgins {mechanically) 

Yes, we ’re getting the air. This is — is the finest air we’ve 
struck in Europe! 


36 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


Duke 

And why you not stay at the Hotel de Italia? 

Higgins (thinking he has saved situation ) 

No air there! You see — 

Mrs. Higgins 

Henry means that we felt cramped for space so we roamed 
up here on the heights. 

Duke (dubiously) 

So. So. 

Mrs. Higgins 

You know in Oshkosh we have the savoir-faire of the entire 
place. My nature craves freedom. 

Duke 

So I presume, Madam. And will the lovely Miss Dorothy 
accept the pleasure of a little walk with me? 

Dorothy 

(Aside.) Walk! I’ve done nothing but walk ever since 
eight o’clock this morning. 

Mrs. Higgins 

I am sure Dorothy will be delighted. Won’t you, Dorothy? 
(Aside.) Smile if it kills you! 

Dorothy 

Yes, Mama. 

Higgins (realizing situation) 

Don’t walk far. 

Dorothy 

Thank you, Papa. 

Exit Duke and Dorothy 
Enter Antonio 
Antonio 

A letter for you, Senora. It came on this morning’s steamer. 
Mrs. Higgins 

Strange, your bringing my letters. (Exit Antonio.) Oh, 
well, these Europeans do everything in their own way. ( Breaks 
seal.) Why, it’s from Ozab! (Looks over shoulder to see 
that her husband is not watching her and then reads:) 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


37 


44 New York, August 31st. 

“ My worthy Patron, — Please accept my thanks for your 
check of two hundred dollars for the seventh Physic Interpre¬ 
tation of the Hidden Word. You must not forget that you 
have been graced”— {Aside.) Graced! Such a pretty 
word, so feminine but yet so strong! {Resumes.) 44 You must 
not forget that you have been graced with powers of the un¬ 
known to carry on the uplifting work of emancipation. I hope 
you are taking advantage of this wonderful gift. 

44 As I gaze into the crystal, I see you receiving this letter 
at Posillipo. It is evening, and you are weary from a long 
walk.” {Aside.) Marvelous. To think that seven days ago 
he should see me now. 

Higgins 

Maria, come here. 

Mrs. Higgins 

Yes, Henry, in a moment. {Continues reading.) 44 You must 
not attempt this great work among the Neapolitans alone. 
Listen to me. In the crystal, I see four women in Naples who 
call themselves 4 The Daughters of Power.’ Enlist their ser¬ 
vices in the cause. Although I am many thousand miles away 
I can see these women crossing the Bay at the time you receive 
this letter. Tell them of your plans. Call an open air meet¬ 
ing of the citizens. I shall arrive in person to help you. Re¬ 
member, you are fortune’s child, born under the planet Mars. 

44 Ever in science and truth, 

44 Ozab. 

44 P. S. You must not talk with the Daughters of Power 
unless you w T ear the elephant’s tooth I gave you. Otherwise, 
the charm will be incomplete.” 

Mrs. Higgins {concealing letter hastily) 

Henry, oh, Henry, do you see any one coming across the 
Bay? 

Higgins 

See any one? Why, of course I do. There are about a hun¬ 
dred fishermen out there. 

Mrs. Higgins 

Oh, no, I mean real people! 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


hb 


Higgins 

Are you waiting for some one? You act as if you expected 
to be run down by the police! 

Mrs. Higgins ( excited) 

Look! there are four women getting out of the boat now! 
Oh! but I’ve forgotten my elephant’s tooth! I can’t see them 
without my elephant’s tooth! 

Higgins ( aghast) 

What’s the matter with you, anyway ? are you going crazy ? 
Mrs. Higgins (waving arms) 

Oh, don’t ask me! Only keep those people here until I get 
my elephant’s tooth! 

Higgins 

But I don’t want to see them! 

Mrs. Higgins 

But you must! I can’t see them without the tooth or the 
charm won’t be wound up! It’s in my suit-case! 

Higgins 

Maria, just because you ’re crazy yourself, you needn’t try 
to make me so, too! 

Mrs. Higgins ( rushing out , left) 

Keep them here until I find my tooth. 

Exit Mrs. Higgins 

(Higgins stands for a moment , looking after her in utter be¬ 
wilderment.) 

Higgins 

I knew our coming abroad was a mistake. She’s gone crazy, 
plumb crazy! ( Hears crowd approaching.) There they come 
now! By Heck, I ain’t going to stay here, either! 

Exit Higgins, right 

[Enter Horatio Armstrong, Abigail Smith, Maria Thomp¬ 
son, Clara Louise Simpson, Hilda Imogene Pratt. Arm¬ 
strong is flashily dressed , zvhile the women are clothed in ill- 
fitting tailor-made suits , which show conscious attempts to 
make themselves look jaunty and mannish. As they eiiter , 
they are all talking at oncei\ 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


39 


Armstrong (attempting to calm them) 

Just a moment, ladies, just a moment! There are other 
pieces I like besides the Anvil Chorus! I know I’m not proving 
a prize winner as business manager of this merry little party, 
and that as the personal representative of the traveling 
“ Daughters of Power 99 I fail to rep., but I can explain. 

Miss Smith ( haughtily) 

Explain! You have done nothing but explain ever since this 
expedition started. You were not hired as a glossary, Mr. 
Armstrong! 

Miss Pratt ( meekly) 

I agree with the sentiments of Miss Smith. Perfectly. 

Miss Simpson 

I demand redress! 

Armstrong (surveying her wearing apparel) 

Redress? That you have on, Madame, is the revenge of the 
dressmaker, not mine! 

Miss Thompson 

This is not the time to be facetious, Mr. Armstrong! My 
better nature should never have permitted me going on such a 
rattle-brained trip as this. I gave up a position with “ The 
Society for the Prevention of Hydrophobia,” to join this 
brigade because I thought it would be broadening. 

Armstrong 

I refuse to froth at the mouth in order to prove your efficiency 
as a hydrophobia nurse, Miss Thompson! (To Miss Smith.) 
You may remember, Miss Smith, that it was your idea, not mine, 
that a body of women who were convincing talkers to league 
themselves together, and go about the country seeking employ¬ 
ment from those who had various projects to launch. 

Miss Smith 

I thought the plan feasible, and I do yet, if we had an efficient 
business manager! 

Armstrong 

That may be true, but up to the present time there has been 
nothing doing in the Cause line. I Ve tried to stir people up 
on everything from Anti-Divorce movements to Pure Milk for 
Babies, but nothing doing. 


40 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


Miss Pratt ( timidly ) 

No doubt you have tried. Ladies, we have misjudged Mr. 
Armstrong. 

Miss. Smith ( severely ) 

Miss Pratt! I do not wish to be included in the collective 
pronoun we in the sense you just used it. 

Armstrong 

Miss Pratt is right. I have tried. Why, it’s a shame to 
think of such brilliant ladies out of employment, and in so noble 
a calling. Such convinving speakers! Why, do you know, I 
think any one of you ladies could pin a rose on a man’s hat and 
convince him he was 44 Queen of the May! ” 

Miss Thompson ( simpering ) 

You strive to win us by flattery! 

Armstrong 

No, it’s the truth. But don’t be discouraged. I have a plan 
up my sleeve that will bring prosperity to our little company. 
44 Never worry” is my principle. Make a business of jest! 

Song 

44 The Business of Jest ” 

Armstrong , Misses Pratt , Simpson , Thompson , and Smith 

Armstrong 

And now, ladies, gather about. I have news for you. 

Miss Smith {icily) 

Miss Thompson, will you please step to one side so that I 
may obtain an unobstructed view of Mr. Armstrong? I nearly 
lost seeing the Eifel Tower on account of you! 

Armstrong 

Listen. A man came to me this morning by the name of 
Bishop, saying he had found out we were looking for some one 
with a Cause to support, and who wanted good talkers. Well, 
he promised that if I gave him fifty dollars, he would put me 
on the track of a lady, I believe her name is Higgins, who is 
in Naples, and who is looking for some one to help her in 
emancipation work. 

Miss Simpson 

And did you pay him the fifty dollars? 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


41 


Armstrong 

I did. 

Miss Thompson 

And pray what information did you receive regarding this 
Mrs. Wiggens, or whatever her name is? 

Armstrong 

This. That she would explain her own plans when we saw 
her. 

Miss Smith ( suddenly ) 

I knew there was a flaw somewhere! See her! That is the 
point. We shall never see her! Might I ask if you had thought 
of that contingency, Mr. Armstrong. I reiterate with Miss 
Thompson, “ Where and when shall we see this mysterious Mrs. 
Higgins ? ” 

Armstrong 

Just a moment, Mrs. Cicero! I expect her here in a very 
few moments. 

All (in chorus ) 

Here? 

Armstrong 

Yes. Bishop told me that she would be here at this time. 
He made me promise, however, not to mention his name — 
friend of the family and all that sort of thing — but to make 
the meeting appear as accidental as possible. 

Miss Simpson 

Of course, I don’t know just how well your facts are sub¬ 
stantiated, Mr. Armstrong, but it seems a little beyond the 
bounds of reason that any sane woman would be prowling 
around alone on these cliffs, so late in the evening. 

Miss Pratt 

I agree with Miss Thompson! Perfectly! 

Armstrong 

There is some one running down the path now! That is the 
woman who answers to the description. Remember, this is to 
be an accidental meeting. 

Enter Mrs. Higgins 

Mrs. Higgins ( timidly ) 

Something tells me we are going to be good friends. 


42 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


Miss Simpson ( scrutinizingly) 

{Aside.) Rather a presuming individual. 

Mrs. Higgins 

Did you know that I had an elephant’s tooth? 

Miss Smith 

(Aside.) Mr. Armstrong, I might add as a word of advice 
that we desire no persons chronically insane on our list of cli¬ 
ents. When one has reached the stage where they think they 
have elephant’s teeth, it is high time a specialist be called in. 
No doubt this woman has escaped from a private sanitarium! 

Armstrong 

I see you are a collector af curiosities! 

Mrs. Higgins 

Yes, this was given me by a dear friend. (Takes off chain to 
which tooth is fastened.) 

Miss Smith (aside) 

It seems to me, wearing teeth around one’s neck is a relic of 
barbarism! 

Mrs. Higgins (to Armstrong) 

I take it you are an American. May I ask your name? 
Armstrong 

Armstrong, Madam. You behold in me the business repre¬ 
sentative of the traveling “ Daughters of Power.” 

Mrs. Higgins (aside) 

The Daughters of Power! Then, it is them after all. 
(Aloud.) My name is Mrs. Maria Porter Higgins. I have 
heard about you and your wonderful work. 

Armstrong* 

I am pleased to make your acquaintance, Mrs. Higgins. 
Perhaps we may serve you. Ladies, won’t you step this way. 
Mrs. Higgins, let me present Miss Abigail Smith, Miss Maria 
Thompson, Clara Louise Simpson, and Hilda Imogene Pratt. 
Mrs. Higgins, I am sure has a plan in which we may be of 
assistance. 

Mrs. Higgins 

Yes. My friends, this is a most fortunate meeting. I am 
here in Naples to preach a message of hope to these poor, 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


43 


down-trodden peasants. What they need is self-government. 
You can help me — you must help me. I am going to organ¬ 
ize a company of workers, and first of all I want the most capa¬ 
ble of you ladies to be my private secretary. To her I shall 
gladly pay one hundred dollars a week. ( Women immediately 
crowd about her.) 


Miss Smith. I am most qualified! I have 
worked among the people of the slums! I know 
the people! 

Miss Thompson. Take me! My experience with 
the Hydrophobia Society fits me to do your 
work! etc. 


In u/nison.< 


Miss Simpson. Have a care in your choice! 
Your work demands the hand of experience! I 
have that hand! It is foolish to think of any 
other! etc. 

Miss Pratt. I agree with Miss Smith! Per¬ 
fectly ! 


Armstrong 

Let the poor woman breathe! You ’re stifling her! 

Mrs. Higgins (who has disengaged herself for a moment) 

It is gratifying to see such fervor. But the first thing to be 
done is to get a meeting of the citizens. Now, as to my secre¬ 
tary— ( At the mention of the word “ Secretary ” the women 

again rush forward and repeat their demands for recognition. 
The confusion grows worse until Mrs. Higgins finally becomes 
hysterical , and rushes out with all the women and Armstrong at 
her heels.) 


[Enter Higgins, slinking about like a hunted creature. He is 
constantly looking backward , but suddenly confronts Jack 
Manners , who has entered , left.~\ 


Higgins 

By thunderation, if it is n’t Jack! When did you get here? 


Jack 

On this morning’s steamer. I went to the Hotel de Italia and 
asked where you were, but they were unable to give me any 
definite information. 




THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


44 


Higgins 

No, I guess they could n’t. You see, we left there rather un¬ 
expectedly, — in fact, we never were what you might call really 
permanent guests. But, by Whillicans, I am glad to see you 
just the same! ( Seriously .) Jack, we’ve been havin’ ruther 
serious times goin’ on since I saw you last. Maria seems to 
have gone plumb crazy on that Ozab advice of emancipation. 
She’s been gaddin’ round like wild, getting up meetin’s, and 
all that durn foolishness. 

Jack 

That’s one of the reasons why I’m over here. Not long 
after you left New York, certain things came to light which 
made me suspicious of this Ozab person. That man at your 
wife’s garden party was a fake, but when I went to find the 
real Ozab the next day, he had disappeared, and has n’t been 
heard of since. Still, I know your wife is receiving letters 
from him. By the way, I suppose that Duke is still traveling 
in your party, is n’t he? 

Higgins 

Oh, yes, we can’t lose him. But Dorothy does n’t seem to 
like him any more than she ever did. Maria is bound, though, 
to have some kind of nobility in our family. 

Enter Dorothy 
Dorothy ( exultantly) 

Jack! ( Runs to him.) 

Jack 

Dorothy, my own little girl! ( They embrace.) 

Higgins {aside) 

I guess I ain’t needed any longer! ( He slyly creeps out 
alone .) 

Dorothy 

I can’t tell you how glad I am to see you. It’s only been 
six weeks since we parted, but it seems ages. 

Jack 

You ’re no happier to see me than I am to see you. I thought 
for a while, I could live without you, but when I realized that 
the Duke was traveling about in your mother’s party and tak- 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


45 


ing the place that rightfully belonged to me, I could n’t stand 
it any longer. 

Dorothy 

But tell me, when did you come? 

Jack 

On the “ Napoli ” — she arrived this morning. First of all, 
I want to know if that fellow, Percival Bishop, is here in Naples 
at the present time? 

Dorothy 

He’s at the Hotel de Italia. 

Jack 

That clinches my theory exactly. Dorothy, it’s my opinion 
that if he is not Ozab himself he’s a pretty close friend; but 
you can bet your mother’s best bonnet that he’s in on this game 
somewhere. What I propose to do is to watch that man, and 
if I can prove he is a fake, I shall stand a better chance with 
your mother. 

Dorothy 

It would be useless to try and make mother believe anything 
against Ozab. And the way she pays that man for his so-called 
advice is pitiable! But with all his appreciation of Art, I notice 
he does n’t forget to admire the bas-relief of our American 
coinage! 

Jack 

I suppose he has n’t been any too reasonable in his prices. 

Dorothy 

Indeed, he has not! But let’s not talk of Ozab or the Duke, 
but just ourselves! 

Jack 

Dorothy, you don’t know how happy it makes me feel to know 
that you still love me. Why, after you left, I used to walk 
over to your house after supper — the house is all closed now 
— and sit .there on the steps where we used to watch the little 
green and red lights of the launches on the river. Gee! a 
fellow never realizes just how much he loves a girl until she 
goes away! 

Song 

“ Youth ” Jack and Dorothy 

Enter Susette 


46 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


Susette ( excited) 

Ah, Mademoiselle, have you seen her? 

Dorothy ( startled) 

Seen whom? 

Susette 

Madame! She left her rooms in the Albergo and we can’t 
find her! Brooks, he saw Madame running along ze beach 
with a whole crowd of people after her! ( Tearfully .) Perhaps 

Madame is killed! Mon Dieu! 


Calm yourself, Susette! 
wild performance? 


Dorothy 

When did you say Brooks saw this 
Susette 


Just a few minutes ago! 


Dorothy (to Jack) 

You have heard what Susette has just said. Of course this 
report is a mistake, but still I can’t help feeling a trifle nervous. 
I shall start a search for Mama immediately, but in the mean¬ 
time you stay here in case she passes this way. 


Exit Dorothy and Susette 


Jack ( laughing) 

Well, if this is a sample of the daily program, I don’t doubt 
that Higgins has had a devil of a time. Wonder what’s going 
on here anyway. I warrant that man Bishop — 

Enter Perceval 

Percival (bumping unexpectedly into Jack) 

Why, how do you do? 

Jack 

Howdy! Rather an unexpected meeting, I assure you. 

Percival (trying to appear at ease) 

Yes, we’ve been traveling about a good deal since I saw vou. 
I tell you what, this is a great country. The natural advan¬ 
tages are something to — 

Jack (suspiciously) 

Yes, I know. But I have a few other things I should rather 
talk to you about than the natural advantages of Italy. That 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


47 


was a very clever little game you played on me, Mr. Percival 
Bishop, and I haven’t forgotten it. (Dryly.) In fact it was 
very humorous. 

Percival 

Game? Why, what do you mean? 

Jack 

Now, there’s no need of beating around the bush. You doubt¬ 
less remember I paid you one hundred dollars for impersonating 
Ozab, and to advise Mrs. Higgins to let her daughter marry 
me instead of the Duke. 

Percival 

Excuse me just a moment. You may remember that your 
one hundred dollars was returned to you. I found the real 
Ozab was to be present and that he could not be headed off. 
She was paying him a very large sum to announce just the 
opposite of what you wished me to, — namely, that the Duke 
should marry her daughter. 

Jack ( suspiciously) 

By the way, how did you know all this? 

Percival ( confused ) 

Why, er — er — You see I happen to know Ozab. 

Jack 

So that’s your little game, is it? I suppose you will say 
next that it was Ozab himself who was at the party and an¬ 
nounced the engagement! 

Percival 

I do. Ozab was present! 

Jack 

I admit, Bishop, I may be wrong in this matter, but I doubt 
it. Particularly since there have been a number of little 
things happen which seem very strange. 

Percival 

Your thinking that I and not the real Ozab was at Mrs. 
Higgins’ garden party is rather amusing, I must say! 

Jack ( grimly) 

Yes, it is rather amusing, I confess. (Pause.) Did you 
say that you knew this man, “ Ozab ? ” 


48 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


Percival 

I have seen him, I presume, as often as most New Yorkers. 

Jack 

You may, perhaps, know that Ozab mysteriously disappeared 
from New York at the same time you left. 

Percival 

To me, it is not a very remarkable thing that two people 
should happen to leave New York at the same time. You talk 
as if I had murdered the man! 

Jack 

Oh, no. I have certain evidences that he is very much alive, 
— more than usually active in fact. 

Percival 

If you know so much about him, why do you come to me, 
who knows him only by sight? 

Jack {knowingly) 

But you have a speaking acquaintance with him that will 
prove valuable to us in our search. {Smiles.) I shall no doubt 
see you again at the Hotel de Italia. {Turns to go.) I might 
add that I am in Naples to get my man. You perhaps can help 
me, if you will. Good-night. 

Percival 

Good-night. 

Exit Jack 

Percival 

It’s clear that man suspects me. Well, Percy, you ’ve got 
out of other tight places, and you can get out of this one 
{meditatively). So Mr. Jack Manners expects to see me at 
the Hotel de Italia, does he? {laughs). Not if Percy doesn’t 
lose his mind! When they search that hotel, I for one will not 
be there! 

Song 

“ I For One Will Not Be There ” Percival 

Exit Percival 

Enter Mayme and Grayce on the arms of the Duke 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


49 


Grayce 

Say, Mayme, this is real nice, ain’t it? 

Mayme 

For those who like it. Still, I suppose it ain’t for me to do 
the emotional weep act, seeing that Mrs. Higgins is paying for 
this little party. ' Gee! But I’d like to be back to the bright 
lights and dear old Broadway! They can talk over here about 
their Vesuvius, but Coney Island has it beaten to a frazzle. The 
old thing has n’t performed once since we’ve been here! 

Duke (to Grayce) 

But you like this country, Miss Taylor? 

Grayce 

Tolerably, Duke. Still one is deprived of the necessities of 
life. I have n’t been able to get a piece of Spearmint since I’ve 
been in Naples! 

Duke 

Mademoiselle’s language is charming. Many of ze words, I 
do not understand, but I suppose it is because I have not heard 
ze true American before. 

Mayme 

I should like to know where Percy is, — I have n’t seen him 
since yesterday. I don’t know that I care much in view of the 
way he has been acting lately. The way that man trails around 
after Mrs. Higgins is scandalous. I don’t believe there is a 
thing about that woman’s business plans he does n’t know. 

Grayce (who has been looking over wall , at the back of stage) 

Talk about your Marathons, — look at that coming down the 
beach! Heavens protect us, if it isn’t Mrs. Higgins! (To 
Duke.) But who is that bunch after her? (Duke uses bi¬ 
noculars.) 

Mayme (indifferently) 

Oh, don’t excite yourself. I warrant it’s one of her physical 
culture stunts. She did the same thing in New York. Went 
loping through Central Park barefooted at four o’clock in the 
morning because she heard a dew bath for the feet helped the 
complexion! 


50 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


Duke 

It is Madame! 

[Enter Mrs. Higgins. She is breathless from running and her 

hair hangs in strings about her face. She pauses a moment 

to recover breath.~\ 

Mrs. Higgins 

Oh my dear friends! — I’ve just had a most trying experi¬ 
ence! (To Duke.) And you, Duke, please forgive me for look¬ 
ing so disengaging. 

Duke 

Madame could never look anything but charming. She is a 
Diana returned from the chase! 

Mrs. Higgins 

I hope Diana was never chased by any “ Daughters of 
Power! ” 

Mayme 

“ Daughters of Power? ” 

Mrs. Higgins 

Yes. But I suppose I should be more explicit. The fact of 
the matter, boiled down to a nut-shell, is this. You must know, 
I am in Naples to accomplish a great work among the poor 
and oppressed. Of course, I had to have help, so called upon 
the “ Daughters of Power ” to assist in carrying on the cam¬ 
paign. I don’t know why it is, but they all are very eager to 
help me. I suppose it must be the universal spirit for right that 
abides in the hearts of all women. Still, I can’t help wishing 
that they were not quite so zealous. 

Mayme 

Were those the “ Daughters of Power ” who were after you 
on the beach just now? 

Mrs. Higgins (a trifle ashamed) 

Yes. You see, it was all due to my selection of a secretary, 
— they are all so anxious to help in the cause and to be close 
to me. I have only escaped temporarily. They are apt to be 
here at any moment. 

Duke (heroically) 

I shall protect Madame from the assailants! 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


51 


Mbs. Higgins 

You are a true knight, my dear Duke. However, I am quite 
resigned to meet them now. 

[Enter Miss Smith suddenly. She looks hastily about her 
and finally spies Mrs. Higgins .] 

Miss Smith 

Oh, there you are, my dear Mrs. Higgins! I’ve been search¬ 
ing for you everywhere. 

Duke ( placing himself before Mrs. H.) 

Madame is weary. Ze ladies will please excuse! 

Miss Smith ( savagely ) 

Excuse what? Why do you interrupt a conversation be¬ 
tween this lady and myself? Kindly step to one side. 1 am a 
“Daughter of Power!” (To Mrs. Higgins.) Permit me to 
be your secretary. 

Mrs. Higgins ( resignedly) 

I hereby hire you, Miss Smith, so please let us consider the 
matter closed. 

Miss Smith ( triumphantly ) 

Wonderful! Now let me pin the badge of freedom on you. 
Don’t move. Let me talk. You must rest yourself for the com¬ 
ing campaign. 

Enter Armstrong 
Armstrong 

Say, what’s all this about, anyway? I wasn’t hired to be 
the manager of any cross-country runs! 

Miss Smith 

Stand back! Hereafter, I speak and act for Mrs. Higgins! 
I am to be recognized as the living exponent of the Higgins’ 
Doctrine! 

[Enter Misses Thompson, Pratt, and Simpson. They , too, 
have been searching for Mrs. Higgins. ] 

Miss Simpson ( diving at Mrs. Higgins) 

You cannot refrain from considering me the most promising 
candidate for your position of secretary! 

Miss Smith 

Stand back! Mrs. Higgins has already chosen me for that 
position. We must now consider the great work which lies 


52 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


before us. You all know what it is, — “ Emancipation for the 
oppressed.” ( Points to Mrs. Higgins .) Behold your cham¬ 
pion ! 

Mrs. Higgins {aside) 

Ah, Ozab! How little did you know the wonderful result of 
your teaching! (Aloud.) I stand ready to lead in the great 
work! {Women clap their hands and cheer feebly.) 

Enter Higgins, who is exhausted from running 
Higgins {breathlessly) 

Maria! What’s all this darn rumpus about ? Come away 
from here! 

Miss Smith {planting herself between them) 

And who are you that should utter such a command? 

Higgins {aghast) 

Why er — er — I’m her husband! 

Miss Smith {shrieking) 

Husband! And do you call that suitable grounds for making 
such a demand? Your wife has been heralded a leader. How 
dare you oppose her holding such a position! The force of the 
world is being harnessed and held back on account of men 
such as you! 

Miss Pratt 

How true she speaks! 

Duke 

There is some mistake. Surely, Madame—- 

Miss Smith {savagely) 

Silence! How dare you speak! 

Higgins 

Maria, what does all this mean? Have you gone completely 
crazy? Tell these people to leave you! Look at me! Look at 
me, I say! {Mrs. Higgins only stares at him with a blank ex¬ 
pression of non-recognition.) 

Mrs. Higgins {deliberately) 

Plenry, you must not turn me aside. You have heard what 
Miss Smith has just said, — I am a chosen leader! I must 
serve! I was born under the planet Mars! You never have 


53 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 

understood me. You have sought to curb my ambition, but all 
that is over now! My soul has lain dormant long enough, and 
has at last attained its true position! ( Cheers from women and 
exclamations of “ Bravo! 99 etc.) 

Duke ( protestingly ) 

Ah, Madame, it is absurd to think — 

Mrs. Higgins 

Ah, Duke, don’t speak. You, too, are not capable of under¬ 
standing me. ( To women.) I declare myself your champion! 
I shall speak to-night to the populace. Assemble the people! 
On to Victory! (Women take up the cry , “ On to Victory! ”) 

Miss Pratt 

“ Sound the horn of conquest ! 99 

Exit Mrs. Higgins, Armstrong, and Daughters of Power 

(Higgins is left alone standing dejectedly in the center of the 
stage.) 

Higgins (sadly) 

And to think that she was all right just a few hours ago. I 
wish I knew of some one to talk to! 

Duke (who has crept to his side) 

Monsieur, — perhaps I can help you. 

(Higgins gives one disgusted look at the Duke; takes off his 
own hat , throws it on the ground contemptuously , drags it 
after him by the veil , and goes slowly in the direction taken 
by his wife. The Duke follows a few paces behind.) 

Exit Higgins and Duke 

(Grayce and Mayme look at each other for a moment in silence.) 

Mayme 

Well, talk about your pleasant little vaudeville act of domestic 
bliss! 

Grayce 

I may be strong-headed myself, but deliver me from ever 
thinking I have any message to spring on the Age. Wonder 
where she got all these new ideas? Say! And did you hear her 
talk about that meeting she was going to address? (Laughs.) 
Ain’t it a scream! 


54 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


Enter Per civ al 
Percival 

Hello, girls. What’s the big ha-ha about? 

Grayce 

We’ve been witnessing a little open-air performance. The 
parade and band-wagon passed just a moment ago! 

Percival 

What do you mean? 

Grayce 

Simply that Mrs. Higgins and the “ Daughters of Power ” 
have united to' form the biggest circus in Naples, and have gone 
out to capture the town! 

Mayme 

Mr. Bishop, it may be none of my business, but I have a sus¬ 
picion that you are responsible for a good many of Mrs. Hig¬ 
gins’s performances lately. ( Bishop only smiles. Mayme 
adopts the manner of a well-known vaudeville performer.) Is 
Mrs. Fay right? Yes. Thank you! ( They all laugh at 
Mayme's imitation.) 

Percival 

Now see here! You have nothing to ground that belief on; 
you are merely speculating! 

Mayme 

But I’m on a pretty wide margin and don’t expect to be 
closed out! 

Percival 

Maybe. But say, girls, — how would you like to be back in 
little old New York about this time, eh? 

Grayce 

Don’t talk about it, Percy; it makes me homesick. 

Percival 

I wouldn’t mind being back on the job myself. Floor- 
walking is tiresome but interesting. 

Mayme 

I can see you now, holding down the comer by the glove 
counter, by the swinging doors, saying: ( Gives imitation.) 
“ Why, how do you do? And if there isn’t little Hazel with 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


55 


you. Going to have your picture taken to-day? Yes. Isn’t 
that nice. (To mother.) I’d think you would have that 
child’s picture taken, — she is such a frail-looking thing, and 
one never knows when the little people are going to pass away! ” 

Percival 

I have to say something, you know, and children are always 
a stable subject of conversation. One is sometimes confused in 
the matter of gender, but he is always safe in calling them 
44 darling ” or 44 Mamma’s precious.” I use the term 44 Little 
Sunbeam ” only sparingly, — it can be very easily overworked! 

Mayme 

I suppose one does meet a great many different kinds of 
people in the floor-walking business, but I’d think it would 
become tiresome. 

Percival 

Yes, — but one becomes interested in the people you meet 
every day. 

Song 

44 The People You Meet Every Day ” 

Percival, Mayme, and Grayce 
All Exit at close of song 

Enter Jack and Dorothy 

Dorothy 

I never was so worried in my life. Mama seems to have lost 
her senses, and is completely under the influence of those crazy 
44 Daughters of Power.” And they are making all preparation 
to come back here and hold some kind of a meeting to-night. 

Jack 

Let her alone. Perhaps if she gets that message off of her 
mind she will feel better. She ’ll hang herself if you give her 
enough rope. 

Dorothy (horrified) 

But I don’t want my mother hung! 

Jack 

There! There! I was only talking figuratively. I have a 
hunch that this speech of hers will clear the atmosphere. 


56 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


Dorothy 

It’s bad enough to have one’s friends act foolish, but when it 
comes down to one’s family, and especially a mother — 
{sadly) it’s not a very gratifying state of affairs. 

Jack 

Don’t you worry about it, little girl. If your mother was 
destined to have this emancipation disease strike her, you ought 
to be thankful she got it in Europe and not at home. One is 
never quite the same abroad, } r ou know, as they are at home. 

Dorothy 

I suppose there is n’t any need to worry about it. Thank 
Heavens! children are not held responsible for the action of 
parents, although, I must say that I have tried to train mine 
as well as I could. If my mother wants to go in for classic 
dancing, she can. She can even beat the bass drum in a Sal¬ 
vation Army corp, if she wants to. I am through trying to 
exert any influence whatsoever! 

{The sound of cheering and the faint roll of a drum is heard 

in the distance.) 

Jack {laughing) 

That’s the crowd now. By the way, what time does the 
performance start in the main tent? 

Dorothy 

Please don’t, Jack. It’s no laughing matter to have one’s 
mother trailing around like the Queen of Carthage with a pack 
of hooting natives at her feet. I suppose they think she’s 
goin to raffle off a banquet lamp or give a Punch and Judy 
show! 

Jack 

There’s no need to begin worrying about it. They won’t be 
here for a while at least. Perhaps she ’ll get tired of tramping 
and decide not to make a speech. 

Dorothy 

You don’t know mother. 

Jack 

Wait until you have something to really worry about. It’s 
not like some one was dead or was to be put in prison or leav¬ 
ing on a ship and never coming back. 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


57 


Duet 

“ Good-night, My Bianca ” Jack, Dorothy, and Chorus 

Exit Jack 

(Enter Higgins. He has lost his hat and coat and his shirt is 
covered with mud. His collar has become unfastened, and 
his appearance is generally disreputable. He pauses a 
moment to regain his breath.) 

Higgins 

Dorothy! Something awful is going to happen! I feel it! 
I don’t know what it is, but I know it ’s going to happen! Your 
mother and those confounded women have been trailing ’round 
the city getting up a crowd, and they ’re coming here for some 
kind of a durn meeting! She won’t listen to me, but perhaps 
she ’ll listen to you! Think what this means if the news gets 
back to Oshkosh. And I was thinking of running for 
Governor! 

Enter Armstrong, who officiously begins fixing up a platform 
at the back of the stage 

Armstrong 

I am very sorry to disturb you, but the “ Daughters of 
Power ” are to have a meeting here to-night. Maria Porter 
Higgins is going to speak! 

Higgins (clasping hands in horror) 

Maria Porter Higgins, — my wife! 

Dorothy 

Here they come now. Let’s stand where we won’t be 
seen. 

{They stand at one side of the stage where they are joined later 
by the Duke , Jack, Grayce, Mayme, Brooks, and Susette. 
At this point, Mrs. Higgins makes a triumphal entrance, 
folloxced by the “ Daughters of Power,” and a mob of shout¬ 
ing peasants, street venders, flower-girls, soldiers, and others. 
Everything is in confusion for some minutes, but partial 
order is brought about when the crowd stops to notice an 
impromptu dance by a number of the peasants who move to 
the strains of mandolins played by certain members of the 
mob. At the close of the dance, Mrs. Higgins mounts the 


58 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


platform amid many cheers . She is very nervous and clasps 
tightly a roll of notes. The “ Daughters of Power ” occupy 
prominent positions near her.) 

Mrs. Higgins ( striking a commanding pose) 

Friends and Citizens of Naples! ( Cheers) You no doubt 

are asking yourselves why I am here. 

(Voice in crowd.) Yes! Yes! 

Miss Smith ( officiously) 

Some one suppress that person! 

Mrs. Higgins 

I shall tell you. ( Fumbles with notes.) I am here to help 
and inspire you! To inspire you with new hope. You may re¬ 
member in the days of old Rome when Caesar died the people 
passed round his bier. To-day you come not to the bier of a 
fallen hero, but a fallen empire! {Cheers.) As I pass round 
the bier—( striving to remember.) As I pass round the bier 
— (attempts to read her notes.) Pass round the bier — 

Miss Thompson 

She’s passed around that beer three times already! — rather 
a super-abundance of a good thing, it seems to me! 

Mrs. Higgins (finding place) 

As I pass round the bier of forgotten hopes, I feel like an 
Antony to cheer your hearts! My dear friends, imagine for 
the moment that I am a Miss Antony! For years you have 
groaned under the cruel yoke of oppression. To those of you 
who work on the farms, I have a special message, for who is 
more worthy than “ The Tons of Soil! ” 

Miss Smith (correcting) 

Sons of Toil! 

Mrs. Higgins 

I repeat, — who is more worthy than you — “ Tons of Soil.” 
They who have grown up from the ground should bloom in the 
light of Freedom! (Cheers.) Do not cheer, my friends. In¬ 
stead of blooming you are withering away under oppression. 
A monster is lurking in your midst and consuming your life 
blood. You do not know it, but it is among you at the pres¬ 
ent time. (Peasants appear startled and begin looking furtively 
about them.) I say, and say again, this monster is among you! 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


59 


Miss Pratt ( feebly ) 

Bravo! Bravo! 

Miss Smith ( crushingly ) 

Hush, you stupid woman. That is n’t our cue to cheer. Our 
cue is “ Ever Onward.” 

Mrs. Higgins 

This monster is the monster of kingly greed! It is time to 
strike with the Sword and Truth! ( Cheers .) Would I accept 
the crown of Society? No! No! A thousand times, No! I 
shall come down the temple steps and be one of you! I want to 
seize the torch of truth and guide your steps through the Dark¬ 
ness of Ignorance. I too, my friends, was ignorant once, until 
the revelation came. Our cry shall be, “ Let the Horn of Con¬ 
quest ring; Ever Onward! let us sing!” ( The crowd cheers.) 

(At this point , Safrano, an officer of the Royal Guards , and 

two gendarmes make their way through the crowd.) 

Safrano 

I command you to stop talking! I here hold the King’s 
warrant for your arrest on the charge of anarchy and as an 
enemy of the nation! 

Mrs. Higgins (clasping her hands in horror) 

Arrest! You don’t mean that I am about to be arrested! 

Safrano 

I do, Senora! It is the command of the King. (To gen¬ 
darmes.) To your duty! ( The men lead Mrs. Higgins from 
platform.) 

Higgins 

But this woman is my wife! 

Safrano 

I am sorry, but I have my orders. 

Dorothy 

Oh, please let her go! Think of your own mother! I am her 
daughter! 

Safrano ( pointing to Mrs. H.) 

But I never had a mother like that! 


60 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


Mrs. Higgins (teeth chattering) 

I an enemy of the Government! Oh, it’s too awful! Mine 
was a mission of charity! You would n’t be so cruel as to take 
me to prison! ( The officers start to bind her hands.) 

Miss Smith 

Leave that woman alone! I utter the command as a “ Daugh¬ 
ter of Power.” 

Safrano 

Silence! or you and your whole company will be arrested 
next. 

Miss Smith meekly withdraws 
Mrs. Higgins 

Oh, why does n’t Ozab come! He promised to be here! 
Safrano (to men) 

Forward! March! 

(Ozab pushes his way through the crowd and confronts the offi¬ 
cers. He is dressed in the same costume as in the first act , — 
turban , robes , etc.) 

Ozab 

What does this mean? Why is this friend of mine meeting 
with these incivilities? 

Safrano 

I have orders for her arrest as a revolutionist! 

Mrs. Higgins (tearfully) 

Ozab, help me! There must be something you can do! I 
was only carrying out your orders! See! Here are the people 
you wrote me to hire! These are the “ Daughters of Power.” 

Ozab (to Safrano) 

May I see that warrant? 

Safrano 

Take it. 

(During the above episode , Antonio and Jack have been 
in earnest conversation at one side of the stage.) 

Jack 

And you are sure that it was Bishop who gave you that 
letter to Mrs. Higgins? 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


61 


Antonio 

Yes, Signor. He did not wish me to tell, but he never pay 
me the money he promise. 

Jack 

Fine! That’s all I want to know! 

Dorothy ( anxiously) 

Jack, what are you going to do? 

Jack 

Wait a moment and you shall see. 

Ozab (handing back warrant to Safrano) 

I am very sorry, Mrs. Higgins, but there is no way I can 
help you. 

Mrs. Higgins 

Oh, why did I ever get into all this trouble! 

Miss Pratt ( consolingly) 

But you will only be in prison a short time. And if they 
should behead you, or anything, it will be a satisfaction to 
know you have died for the cause! 

Mrs. Higgins 

Be still! I wish I had never seen you! I hate you and all 
your associates! 

Safrano 

Attention! Forward! March! 

Jack (to Safrano) 

One moment, officer. You no doubt want the head person 
of this little affair, don’t you? 

Safrano 

I do! 

Jack 

Well, I have positive proof that that man there is the cause 
of it all. ( Points to Ozab.) He may call himself Ozab, but 
his real name is Percival Bishop! 

Mrs. Higgins 

Percival Bishop! Then I have been tricked. (Sobs.) Oh, 
what a fool I’ve been! What a fool! (To Percival.) Tell 
me if this is true? 


62 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


Percivae 

I guess there’s no use denying it, Madame. You see I got 
into this little game by accident, and it proved so interesting I 
did n’t have the heart to throw down my hand. I’m mighty 
sorry, but I’m not really a criminal. 

Mrs. Higgins {reproachfully) 

And to think that Ozab was nothing but a floor-walker! 
It’s too terrible! too terrible! I guess I have only myself to 
blame. {To Per rival.) I confess that you have been a pretty 
expensive hobby! 

Higgins {angrily) 

Let them take him off to jail! If it had n’t been for him, we 
would n’t have had all this mix-up. I ain’t got any use for crit¬ 
ters of his stamp! 

Mrs. Higgins 

Henry, perhaps I should feel the same as you about this mat¬ 
ter, but I don’t. With all his tricks I have him to thank for 
one thing, and that not through his own intention. I have him 
to thank for being the means of showing me how foolish it is 
to be trying to play this social game, that I never was cut out 
for. After this I’m not going to try to be what I ain’t! 
{To Jack.) And what can I give you for bringing this all 
about ? 

Jack 

One thing, and only one thing — Dorothy. 

Higgins 

He may not have so much nobility, but he’s got a heap of 
common sense! 

Mrs. Higgins 

Of course, I’m willing. 

Grayce {whimpering) 

And, if you please, Mrs. Higgins, won’t you please not 
have Percy arrested. We are engaged to be married; I prom¬ 
ise to reform him, for he’s really not a bad sort! 


Mrs. Higgins 


I do, if he promises never to be Ozab again. 


I promise. 


Percival 


THE CRYSTAL GAZER 


63 


Mrs. Higgins 

Then take her, and mind you behave yourself. And now 
that I seem to be running a matrimonial auction, are there any 
more who want to take advantage of this opportunity? 

Brooks (holding Susette shyly by the hand) 

Please, ma’am, Susette and me would like to get married. 

Mrs. Higgins 

Take her. Both of you have been getting a little too much 
occupied with one another lately to be of much use. (A boat 
whistles.) Henry, that is the whistle of our yacht. We can 
leave for America in the morning! Oshkosh is plenty good 
enough for me. Let’s go home! 

Final Chorus 
and 

Curtain 
















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